Sleepless but happy

Couldn't. Sleep.

Couldn’t. Sleep.

Something happened yesterday that had a direct effect on my sleeping habits…

Unexpected effect: Sleepless night.  Possible cause: Blogging.

Here’s why… You see, several hours after I posted my blog, my email started receiving notifications saying either someone has liked my post or someone started following me.  After the second or the third notification, I realized that people actually read what I wrote! Oh yey! — I no longer had to think that maybe I was just talking to myself or to the air (cyber air?!) the whole time… 

It felt good, really, knowing that someone’s interested enough… And so, I spent most part of the night peeking at either my email inbox or my WordPress notification to find out if there was another “like” or “follower.”  I was like a child on a Christmas morning.  Excited and expectant.

Then WordPress made me giddier by posting this: January 7 – Your best day for likes on “Supergoddess Me.”  Never mind if the number of likes isn’t even more than 20… Come to think of it, I’m not even sure if it’s more than 10… Yet, I’m still thankful.  So thankful I wanted to dance for joy the whole night.

My mind was so active, I started thinking of topics to write about, stories to share next.  It was already almost midnight and I was still so excited… and I was also so awake.

This is the effect blogging has on me… Though it’s also possible that the Mocha Ice Blended drink that I bought in the afternoon played a part…

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When it’s almost midnight and you couldn’t sleep, sometimes you turn to your television for support and companionship. You try to find either something worthwhile that will make you feel glad you stayed awake… or something utterly boring that will lull you to sleep.

Last night, I found Criminal Minds. Fortunately the episode wasn’t a rerun. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop watching.

Criminal Minds

Hotchner. Morgan. *drool*

I remember mentioning in my blog years back how much I loved the show.  Between Hotchner and Morgan, gawd, what’s not to love?! I simply ADORE Shemar Moore (Derek Morgan).  Every time Criminal Minds is on air, I somehow get glued… regardless of how gory the episode may be.

So instead of falling asleep, I found myself at midnight wide awake, intently watching Criminal Minds, eventually getting creeped out… ended up praying that I won’t have bad dreams when I finally do fall asleep.

Not good.

But because of Derek Morgan, it wasn’t exactly that bad, either.

****

Around six hours later…

It’s a brand new day.  I think I slept well, considering… and I woke up reenergized.  First thing I did when I woke up was to check my notification. Haha, talk about the need for affirmation.

Before I delve into my insecurities and start babbling, let me thank you for taking time yesterday — and today — to read what I had to say.  Thank you for “following” the site.  I hope I don’t disappoint. Maybe sometimes, I will — especially during the times when I am not exactly writing something deep or profound… (like now?!). But thank you just the same.

It feels good knowing that my words reach someone. Hopefully I get to entertain or inspire.  I hope you stick around. DO stick around.

Regardless of how old we get, there will always be that child in us waiting for that moment of thrill and pure joy.

Writing brings me pure joy.  I am happy when I get to put my thoughts into words. And I am happier when people appreciate those words.

It’s Christmas morning all over again.

SGM

*****

photo credits: wide-eyed smiley via iemoji ; Criminal Minds via google images

…and I’m BACK!!!

It’s 2015.

Hello again, blogworld.  Wow. It’s been so long.

On my last blog post here, I remember saying goodbye and telling my readers that I will be starting a new blog where I would be blogging under my real name… no secret identity, no code names…

I thought I was ready to blog about anything and everything.  I thought it was easy to mention real names of real people I wanted to blog about.  Boy, was I wrong.  Basically I found out that my friends were not exactly too keen on being mentioned in my blogs — not unless I was all praises all the time.  Also, during those times when all I wanted was to vent, it proved quite difficult blogging when I had to censor my thoughts.  An entry full of bleeps or *** won’t really amount to anything.

And so, eventually, I got tired of blogging about bleeps.  And I just let time pass.  And I basically didn’t write anything — not one blog, not one article, not a single write up — for almost a year.  I stopped writing.  I feel like I stopped being a writer.

Judging by the way I began three sentences with the word “and,” I guess you know what I mean.

I missed it, really.  Writing, I mean.  Although I had a lot of other things to keep me busy, there were times when I just wanted to stay in a quiet place and just write.  Write about anything.  But then I’d realize that I had nothing to write for — and so I’ll just decide to do something else… Like watch tv… Yeah, how productive. My brain cells were working overtime

Over the Christmas holidays, I found myself checking out this old blogsite of mine.  I reread some posts… I laughed at most, smirked at some… and I relived a number of nice moments that I wrote about.  I truly felt bad when I saw that a lot of the pictures I reposted have been removed or are now nowhere to be found. Sigh.

I have always, ALWAYS liked this blogsite.  Who wouldn’t relish being a Supergoddess, hello?! And so I have resolved to revive this site.

Oh, yes.  I am back.  I still have a lot to tell… stories to share… people to talk about… Kidding on the last one, of course.

Maybe I will have more followers now… maybe not.  I guess what matters is that I get to write and share my thoughts and my wisdom.

And maybe, just maybe, I will at the very least make one reader smile… I believe that’s enough for now.

Care to join the journey of the Supergoddess?

fireworks

Happy 2015!!

 

*****

PS… I promise to fix the other photos on the older posts. Just give me time. 🙂

SGM

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photo via google images

 

Age is JUST a number

I say I'm 27. Seriously.

I say I’m 27. Seriously.

When I was young(er), I used to think that people who were in their 30’s or 40’s were already old.

I grew up in the generation where the young ones realize and acknowledge the authority of elders, may they be parents, aunts or uncles, or parents’ friends.  As a teenager, I was close to my aunts, we tell stories and we laugh a lot, but never did I see them as my equal.  They were always “up there.”  They were older and I gave them all the respect that they deserved.  Though honestly, there were times when I didn’t want to hang out with them because it felt “uncool” hanging out with older people…

I was never really close to my mom when I was growing up because she was more of a figure of authority than anything else.  I followed and obeyed.  I never saw her as a “friend.”  Provider, yes.  Parent, yes.  But, buddy? Chum? Friend?!  As Tyra Banks would have said it, “Hell to the no!”

Besides, the age gap made it difficult for me to see her differently.  My parents — and their siblings — will always be older.  When I was a teenager, I had this thinking that they were already ancient.  Gosh.

I am in my late thirties now.  To be more precise, I am pushing forty.  Just saying that is making my heart palpitate.  In my young self’s eyes, I AM ANCIENT!  Panic time.  Gulp.  I. can’t. breathe. too. well. 

Thinking about it, I don’t feel too different.  I mean, I feel like I’m the same ME that I was as a teenager.  I have the same friends…  I dislike the same people (oh, grow up, girl!)…  I still like the colors pink and purple and all shades of violet…  I still like the same kind of music — or at least, I still DON’T like the heavy metal kind (gives me headaches), while classical music still makes me sleep…  I am still conscious of my weight — like I have been when I was infact 20lbs lighter… I still think my arms and thighs are big…

So, maybe I have matured a bit.  Maybe I look at life differently now, meaning I am not after the drama anymore.  I don’t get stressed easily now… though come to think of it, I was never really the ‘easily-stressed’  type.  I know for a fact that my personal experiences, both good and bad, have shaped me into who I am today… But somehow, for some reason, I still FEEL like I am the same person — same girl– that I was years back.  Twenty or so years back, to be precise.

I don’t really feel old.  Or ancient.  I am in my late thirties, but I feel young. I am the same Me that I have always been.

Now I realize that 30 or 40 is NOT old or ancient.  Gosh, I’m taking back the perception I had of my aunts when I was young.  I am there now… and I wouldn’t want my son or my son’s friends to think that I am not cool because I an older.

Age is JUST a number.  It’s who you are inside that truly matters in the end.

Uhm, can you please remind me of all these before I actually turn forty…  In case, you know, I start panicking and begin having my midlife crisis…  Sigh…

Maybe it’s about time that I accept — and admit– my real age.

***** ***** ******

photo via google images

Mr. Ken Doll

Ken needs a Supergoddess Barbie

Ken needs a Supergoddess Barbie

He was a male model… He did tv commercials, but he mostly did ramp.  He was goodlooking — in a boyish way.  He was tall, he had this really dazzling smile… and a really hot bod.  He was like a Ken doll.

He was a good friend of a boyfriend.  Boyfriend used to do some modelling as well, so naturally he hang out with fellow models.  That was how I met Mr. Ken doll.

When boyfriend left the country, I stayed in touch with some of his friends.   When boyfriend eventually became an ex, Mr. Ken doll expressed interest in dating me… but didn’t really know if it was the right thing to do since I was the girlfriend of a good friend.  It didn’t seem right.  It was like crossing a boundary.

We did go out several times.  We talked a lot.  We laughed.  We flirted.  We watched basketball games together.  We talked about our favorites — his was carrot cake, mine was coffee.  We had a good time.

I liked being seen with him because he was a Ken doll… and I felt like I was Barbie.  I was living very girl’s dream.  I was every girl’s source of envy.

Going out with Ken made me forget about the heartbreak caused by long-distance boyfriend.  I thought being with another goodlooking guy will fill the void left by an ex.  In a way, it did.  It did make me forget… but only for a short while.

Somehow the thrill of being with Ken was fleeting.

One night, I just suddenly realized that Ken and I didn’t have anything in common.  I tried to dig deep to feel something towards him… some love or deep affection… yet I didn’t find any.  There was fondness, yes, but that was just it.  Nothing more.

Perhaps the only connection we truly had was the memory of my ex-boyfriend… his ex-friend.

We parted ways amicably.  No tears, no drama.  I never wondered what “could have been” because I knew Ken and I weren’t meant to be.

What I learned from the whole Ken experience is this:  You really cannot force yourself to love — or even just like, LIKE — someone if your heart isn’t there.  You cannot force yourself to feel a certain way towards someone.  Or even if you do try, in your heart of hearts, you would know that you’re not fooling anybody else but yourself.

Kissing Ken may have been fun, but it didn’t make me his Barbie.  He didn’t turn out to be my Prince Charming, too.  Good thing we were both mature enough not to pretend we were something we weren’t.

Some things are really just not meant to be.

It’s Ken’s birthday today.  And his real name’s Ron.

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photo via google images

 

 

A List of Nevers…

Sticky posts

Never…

allow other people to define who you are.  You are a wonderful creation, full of endless possibilities.  Don’t let others limit you.

let the past rule your present and take over your future.  The past is over and done with.  Learning from it — the good or the bad — makes you a better, stronger person.  But today is a different day. Live it.  Tomorrow holds so much promise. Be expectant.

try it.

underestimate kindness.  A kind and gentle heart affects many.  People remember a kind deed.

think it’s okay cheat when no one’s looking.  Cheating is cheating, whether you have an audience or not.   

forget to say thank you.

wallow in self pity.  You are too good for that.  Be sad a bit, but learn to move on.  Wallowing won’t get you anywhere. 

take your friends for granted.  Life gets so much brighter with good friends around.

be carefree

let go of the child in you. Joyful. Carefree.  Fearless. 

let other people steal your dreams. People will always have a lot to say.  People won’t always believe in you the way you believe in yourself.  When they try to pull you down, keep the faith.  Let their opinions inspire you to do better and give you the added nudge to prove them wrong.  Remember, great success is the best revenge. 

forget how it feels to hold someone’s hand, smile a genuine smile, offer a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, receive a compliment, give a compliment… and spending some quiet time by yourself just taking in the beauty of everything around you. 

Life is Good

 

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photos via weheartit.com

Celebrating Beauty

I wasn’t feeling too well the other day so I decided to stay in. 

After months and months of preparation for the July tournament, I thought of giving myself a break by not doing anything baseball related.  I rewarded myself with some tv time.  And yes, what a treat it was!  I haven’t watched tv in a while and staying glued in front of the tv for a couple of hours was a welcome break for me… Though given that I was sick, it proved quite hard to stay awake. 

Runway Legends All

I HAD to stay awake, though because I chanced upon a really interesting Oprah episode that day.  It was the episode Legends of the Runway, where the guests were former supermodels like Christie Brinkley, Cheryl Tiegs and Stephanie Seymour.  There was a segment with Paulina Porizkova, another legend in the modeling industry. 

It was an episode about beauty.  It was about staying beautiful.  Moreso, it was an episode about ageing gracefully.  I knew I had to stay awake.

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Last week I saw a picture of myself that was taken about 5 years ago.  I stared at it for sometime, as if I was looking at a picture of a total stranger.  And the more I stared at it, the more I started thinking that I don’t look like the girl on the picture anymore.  Okay, maybe I still look like her, but I feel like I have aged somewhat.  I look older now.

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Staring at myself in the mirror has always been a past time for me.  (So, I am vain… that’s a given.  We have already long established that.)  However, these past several months, whenever I look at my reflection in the mirror, I always catch myself putting my fingers on my cheekbones — and trying to stretch my facial skin higher, towards the upper ends of my ears.  It’s either that or stretching the skin under my jawbone, towards the lower ends of my ears.

It’s something that I used to watch my mom do when I was a little girl — and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why she kept doing that.  Now I’M the one doing it.  Now I’m the one who’s starting to feel paranoid about what gravity is doing to my facial muscles…

All of a sudden I feel old.  All of a sudden I am no longer confident that the facial creams and moisturizer that I religiously slather on my face actually work.  My skin is not as elastic as it used to be. 

Looking old scares me.  Not only does it scare me, it also makes me sad.  Somehow, the pull of gravity is also working on my self-esteem.

*** *** ***

I knew I would learn something the moment I saw the former supermodels onscreen with Oprah.  (Just an aside, maybe it’s incorrect to call them former supermodels because in my book, once a supermodel, always a supermodel.  So scratch the former out.)

They came out one by one.  All still very beautiful.  They all look fit, too.  But somehow, one thing was evident… they also aged, as well.  They are no longer the 20-something naive looking pin-up girls.  They are not stick thin.  They have womanly curves.  There’s a certain roundness in their figures… something that is most likely brought about by motherhood.  And they have lines on their faces, too! 

Perfect

I was staring at Stephanie Seymour, and can’t but think that about a decade ago, I wanted to look like her because the guy I was dating then adored her.  She practically was the reason behind the how and the why of my love affair with Victoria’s Secret. 

And now as I looked at her — still pretty, but with facial lines, body curves and all, she looked almost ordinary.  Okay, maybe not ordinary, but normal.

And then the realization… they are human beings, after all.  Supermodel or not, we are all bound to get old… or older. 

*** *** ***

I think the only way we can defy ageing is if we cryogenically preserve our bodies while we’re in our twenties (and then what?!).  Or yes, there’s always botox or face lifts… but then for how long?  And how many times ’til you realize that you don’t look like yourself anymore — not because you look younger, but because your skin has been stretched so hard that you can’t even show any sign of emotion.  There’s quite a thin line between looking young and looking like your face is in a serious state of catatonic stupor.

Yes, even supermodels cannot defy gravity.

*** *** ***

Dream job. Dream body.

Watching them — the supermodels that they are, candidly talking about their outlook on ageing, I couldn’t help but get awed all the more.  These beautiful women have been beautiful all their lives… but they are not as young as they used to be.  For sure they have experienced being compared to the younger models.  They belong to a cruel industry where beauty  is defined by age.  And yet they stood proud.  They are proud of their accomplishments, proud of what they have become. 

Truly admirable. 

These supermodels were unanimous in saying that true beauty emanates from within.  It’s about how you perceive yourself. It’s about finding joy and peace and acceptance.  It’s also about not just banking on your looks alone, but being able to carry a conversation with other people.

Basically, being beautiful involves loving oneself and being happy with who you are.  As one of them — I think it was Paulina Porizkova in her interview segment — reiterates, ‘if one’s self-worth is hinged on one’s looks alone, then that person has a problem…’

I learned something valuable that day.

proud to be Supermodel Me

 

**********

photos via weheartit.com and yahoo images

 

 

 

Life Matters

peace and quiet

At just about the same time that I was writing my blog last Friday, something tragic was happening in Japan.

As I was musing about the universe telling me something by way of a sudden increase in my blog hits, somewhere out there, nature was making its power felt thru a strong earthquake and a devastating tsunami.

My sign was just a mere whisper.  For the people affected by the earthquake and the tsunami, the universe practically sent them a scream. 

There may be no connection between me and them.  Or there is a great connection between all of us, because we are all living in one planet… our lives, one way or the other, interwoven. 

As I watched the news about the calamity that befell Japan, I can’t help but be ashamed of the little things that I let myself get bothered by.  Somehow, my concerns seemed trivial, even shallow, compared to the plight of the ones affected by the calamity.   

The tsunami that hit Japan showed how everything is fleeting.  In a split second, one can lose everything that he has.  It also made me realize that one can never be too ready.  Having too much money, or a big house, or whatever material stuff you can think of, cannot protect you from whatever the universe throws your way. 

A lot of things we deem important all of a sudden seemed to lose their relevance.

Fragile and Precious

Life is fragile.  It can be taken away from you with or without warning.  That’s why your every single breathing moment should count. (And yes, it’s not about counting blog hits.) 

Life is precious.  Each of us has only one life to live.  Perhaps the best thing to do is to live it well. 

What does living well mean?  Maybe it’s by choosing to be happy.  It’s by choosing to make other people happy.  It’s about lending a hand to others less fortunate… putting a smile on someone else’s face… or even by just smiling at other people.

Maybe it’s about sharing.  It’s by blessing others with what you, yourself, are blessed with.  It may be by sharing what you no longer need to those who need it more… or sharing your talent for others to learn from… or maybe even sharing your time with those people who really just need someone who will listen or stay with them. 

Sometimes we get  too wrapped up in ourselves that we worry and we get stressed and anxious about the littlest things.  Our world seems to get so small… basically because our world revolves around ourselves.

Look outside.  There’s a big world around you.  Other people share your troubles.  There are other people who have greater troubles even. 

Maybe if we know what it means to be thankful… REALLY thankful… for the things that we have, then life won’t be such a struggle. 

contentment

Yes, I believe in striving hard to get better.  I believe in expecting greatness.  We all deserve that.  Yet I also believe in contentment.  Contentment doesn’t mean limiting yourself or setting your standards low.  To me it’s about being at peace with what you have and not putting emphasis on just the material things.  It’s about being grateful for what you have at present. 

It is about finding joy in what you have, what you are doing and where you are.  In the end, that’s all that really matters, right? 

“I had no shoes and complained, until I met a man who had no feet.” 

– Indian proverb

 

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photos via weheartit.com

Author’s note: Welcome back, my pretty pink background! 🙂

When the Universe Tells You Something…

For the Drama Queen Me

In my last blog, I was basically ranting about being so busy that I don’t get to write as often as I would want.  I talked about how my family always comes first and how I am ready to give up things I am supposed to do for myself the moment one family member hollers for me. 

I was pretty sad that day.  It was one of those moments when you want to do a lot of things but you know that you won’t be fair to anybody if you choose to do all.   I wanted to write more often.  I wanted to start on my writing project, but I also am in the middle of planning a major baseball event, that my thoughts are pretty much all over the place.  Throw in the day to day activities of the brood… So the other day, it really felt like something’s gotta give.  Basically it felt like that something was me.

Honestly, I feel bad whenever I see my blog hits dwindling.  And for several days leading to my last entry, my hits were somehow stuck at 3 a day — okay, sometimes 2.  Hurray for me.  I really felt quite low.  But then again, I can’t blame my readers… why will they stay (or come back) if I can’t offer anything new, right?  

I was beginning to feel the pressure.  Part of me was saying, I must blog everyday.  I must have more hits.  Another part was saying, Forget the blog. Start your dream project.  And still another part, Forget all those.  You have a baseball tournament to manage!!

which way now?!

Bottomline is, I felt like I had to explain myself.  I had to explain why it’s taking forever for me to start my writing project.  Explain why my blog stats is in its near-death state.   Explain why I’m hovering over my son as he studies for his exams.  I felt like I had to explain every little thing I do, every choice I make.  Though I don’t really know who I am explaining to… I may be explaining to the wind, for that matter… It just felt better afterwards. 

Maybe, just maybe, at the back of my mind I knew that I wouldn’t feel as bad anymore when I see my blog stats.  I was giving myself reasons to NOT feel bad that no one visits my blog (since there’s nothing new to see anyway).  And I was releasing myself from that pressure of having to compose something even when my thoughts are  in shambles (Pretty much like now?!).  I told myself I won’t force myself to blog if I don’t have anything to blog about… and I won’t feel guilty not having blogged.  More so, I won’t get suicidal after seeing my blog stats. 

That was three days ago. 

And then something happened… again. 

Yesterday was another busy day.  I didn’t get the chance to check my WordPress page the whole day.  Besides, after 5 days of having a mere 3 hits per day, I pretty much knew the trend.  And since I didn’t post a new entry, then all the more I couldn’t expect anything more than 3.

Come night time, just before I went to bed, I opened my WordPress account.  Force of habit.  Some practices are hard to let go of…

Not mine. Though my graph looked somewhat like this.

76. Seventy six. LXXVI.  At ten in the evening, I had 76 hits.  I almost fell off my chair. 

Okay you might be thinking, cheap thrills SGM!   But no, to me that wasn’t cheap.  Not when I was getting used to 3.  76 is a gift!  Though at the back of my mind I was thinking that maybe half of that was from a spam-connected link (sorry, I don’t know the word for it), well I was still happy with the number.  I ended the day with 79.  Of course they had to add 3 more (probably my 3 loyal fans remembered to visit my blog that night).

Whole point of this entry?!  Well, the universe HAS a sense of humor.  Just when you thought you are ready to give up on something, the universe will find a way to make you NOT give it up if you truly are not ready.  Just when you thought you have lost all direction, the universe will show you the way… or will veer you to a direction you can take.

Just when I thought I ran out of topics to write about, well, I had this.  And just when I thought that I didn’t have the time to sit down and write… well, I found the time to sit down and write.  It was just a matter of time management.

When the universe tells you something… maybe you should just listen.

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photos via weheartit.com / WP stats via google images