When the Universe Tells You Something…

For the Drama Queen Me

In my last blog, I was basically ranting about being so busy that I don’t get to write as often as I would want.  I talked about how my family always comes first and how I am ready to give up things I am supposed to do for myself the moment one family member hollers for me. 

I was pretty sad that day.  It was one of those moments when you want to do a lot of things but you know that you won’t be fair to anybody if you choose to do all.   I wanted to write more often.  I wanted to start on my writing project, but I also am in the middle of planning a major baseball event, that my thoughts are pretty much all over the place.  Throw in the day to day activities of the brood… So the other day, it really felt like something’s gotta give.  Basically it felt like that something was me.

Honestly, I feel bad whenever I see my blog hits dwindling.  And for several days leading to my last entry, my hits were somehow stuck at 3 a day — okay, sometimes 2.  Hurray for me.  I really felt quite low.  But then again, I can’t blame my readers… why will they stay (or come back) if I can’t offer anything new, right?  

I was beginning to feel the pressure.  Part of me was saying, I must blog everyday.  I must have more hits.  Another part was saying, Forget the blog. Start your dream project.  And still another part, Forget all those.  You have a baseball tournament to manage!!

which way now?!

Bottomline is, I felt like I had to explain myself.  I had to explain why it’s taking forever for me to start my writing project.  Explain why my blog stats is in its near-death state.   Explain why I’m hovering over my son as he studies for his exams.  I felt like I had to explain every little thing I do, every choice I make.  Though I don’t really know who I am explaining to… I may be explaining to the wind, for that matter… It just felt better afterwards. 

Maybe, just maybe, at the back of my mind I knew that I wouldn’t feel as bad anymore when I see my blog stats.  I was giving myself reasons to NOT feel bad that no one visits my blog (since there’s nothing new to see anyway).  And I was releasing myself from that pressure of having to compose something even when my thoughts are  in shambles (Pretty much like now?!).  I told myself I won’t force myself to blog if I don’t have anything to blog about… and I won’t feel guilty not having blogged.  More so, I won’t get suicidal after seeing my blog stats. 

That was three days ago. 

And then something happened… again. 

Yesterday was another busy day.  I didn’t get the chance to check my WordPress page the whole day.  Besides, after 5 days of having a mere 3 hits per day, I pretty much knew the trend.  And since I didn’t post a new entry, then all the more I couldn’t expect anything more than 3.

Come night time, just before I went to bed, I opened my WordPress account.  Force of habit.  Some practices are hard to let go of…

Not mine. Though my graph looked somewhat like this.

76. Seventy six. LXXVI.  At ten in the evening, I had 76 hits.  I almost fell off my chair. 

Okay you might be thinking, cheap thrills SGM!   But no, to me that wasn’t cheap.  Not when I was getting used to 3.  76 is a gift!  Though at the back of my mind I was thinking that maybe half of that was from a spam-connected link (sorry, I don’t know the word for it), well I was still happy with the number.  I ended the day with 79.  Of course they had to add 3 more (probably my 3 loyal fans remembered to visit my blog that night).

Whole point of this entry?!  Well, the universe HAS a sense of humor.  Just when you thought you are ready to give up on something, the universe will find a way to make you NOT give it up if you truly are not ready.  Just when you thought you have lost all direction, the universe will show you the way… or will veer you to a direction you can take.

Just when I thought I ran out of topics to write about, well, I had this.  And just when I thought that I didn’t have the time to sit down and write… well, I found the time to sit down and write.  It was just a matter of time management.

When the universe tells you something… maybe you should just listen.

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photos via weheartit.com / WP stats via google images

Of broken hearts…

I got to talk to an old friend of mine earlier.  It wasn’t one of those light, funny conversations that we normally have. This time there were more deep sighs and moments of silence… mainly because she is nursing a heartache — and I basically just listened for the most part (that is, during the times when she was venting).  I just listened and processed the whole situation in my mind.

She said she was sort of seeing this guy for several months now.  She said she didn’t really think she would fall for the guy at first because, well, she just never expected that to happen.  But the guy was pretty persistent, was really very sweet… held her high on a pedestal.  He made her feel really good about herself, like she was some goddess (okay, this was the part where i giggled a bit, but then not wanting to be insensitive, i pretty much kept the giggling to myself). 

So basically, she says, the guy became a part of her everyday life.  Whatever reservations she had in the beginning were set aside.  She let herself start to feel something.  And it was a good feeling, she told me… When you’re not fighting whatever it is you are feeling.  She was basically in 7th heaven for a time.

Then several days ago, things changed.  All of a sudden, the guy who was running after her for the longest time seemed to have decided (on his own) that he doesn’t want to be sweet anymore.  He became distant…  It’s like the roles were reversed.  She became the paranoid one, always thinking something’s wrong, wondering why he’s not as “present” as he used to be.  While he boldly tells her she has so many issues, too much drama…  She said she really doesn’t know what went wrong, but she felt it was the beginning of their ending.

And then she ended the story there.  Basically kept quiet for a while.  I was at a loss for words, didn’t know what to say right away.  But I felt her pain.  I was expecting her to start bawling, but she didn’t.  She said it was too tiring to cry.  She just kept sighing deeply.  Eventually, I was doing the same.   

Some things really don’t change.  Whether you are 16 or 36, these things happen.  You fall for the wrong guy… wrong guy hurts you. Or you fall for the right guy, yet right guy also hurts you.  Sometimes they do the best cop out– that is, the Harry Houdini act.  They will basically just disappear without telling you what the heck happened.  Sometimes they are scared to get too attached.  Sometimes it is just about the novelty… or the conquest. 

Sometimes we meet someone who makes us happy, but the circumstances just don’t agree with the relationship… so we have to let go.  Sometimes we meet someone who we think can make us happy, but eventually we find out we cannot force things to happen.  Sometimes, things just happen. 

Yes, our hearts can break — whether we are 16 or 36. 

But the difference is, at 36 we know better.  At 36, we know that life goes on even after a heartbreak.  At 36, we know that crying doesn’t really make one glow, but merely just puffs up our eyes.  We know that guys can still hurt our feelings (the same way we can hurt theirs)… Our hearts still break.. but that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world.  We wake up the following day to the same sun, sky, earth… Sometimes we may feel like we are running out of air, but when we breathe deeply, there’s still oxygen going in.

At 36, we know better.  We know when to hold on and when to let go.  It may be difficult at first, but sometimes we really just have to will ourselves to move on… and we will.

                                                                                forwe♥it (weheartit.com)