I made some changes… and then I disappeared.
It’s the 8th of March. The last time I blogged was on the last day of February. Okay, so maybe that was just a week ago, yet I really feel like something’s amiss. I just can’t make myself sit in front of the computer long enough to compose a decent blog.
Two weeks ago I told a friend of mine about my dream writing project. It was an idea that came to me sometime in the beginning of this year. I toyed around with the idea and even made some research about it. I was all gung-ho at first… determined to put a start on this project as soon as possible. I felt I was ready enough. I believed I write well enough. I was confident that I could do something BY myself and FOR myself, using the God-given skills and talents that I have.
And then something happened. Life happened.
Perhaps everyone who knows me also knows that for me, family always comes first. In my everyday existence for the past ten or so years, my life is about my family. My son. My partner. Even down to my parents and my siblings. I am “hero support” after all. Taking care of them is what I do. It is what I do best.
Writing is a passion. Blogging is something that helps me de-stress. Whenever I write, I get to express the thoughts that I don’t get to say easily. Writing helps keep my brain cells from turning into mush or from simply dying. My greatest fear is to get Alzheimer’s (and at a very young age), so I have to do something to keep my brain cells functioning. And so I vowed I will write as often as I can. I will try to get published more often, I will blog regularly.
In the beginning of the year, I vowed to hone my writing skills so that when people ask me what I do, I can say that I am a writer without feeling like such a fake. And I told myself I will take a few more brave steps and start with my writing project…
… and like I said earlier, life happened.
My life. That superhero day job of me taking care of the world… or at least, the people in my world. Somehow I don’t have the luxury of time to just sit down and compose something. Even finishing this blog is getting to be quite difficult. You have no idea how many drafts I started and saved (or eventually discarded). I think of a topic… and then the phone rings… I try to write some, and then I get cellphone messages… and I totally lose my train of thought. When I start to write once again, I get to remember the reviewer I have to make for my son’s exams, and then I feel guilty for not prioritizing that first.
And so I go back to doing things for them first before I do things for me.
No, I am not complaining. I chose this kind of life. I derive joy from the gratitude and appreciation that my family show me for the things — some little, some big — that I do for them. And maybe this is really the kind of person that I am… I mean, I will always choose helping my son with his project first before I start with my own project. I will be there for my sister whenever her boys need me, even if that would mean giving up my writing time. Planning that major baseball event for the boys eats up most of my waking hours, but I wouldn’t think of giving it up.
Maybe it’s because it feels good to be needed. I can write and write and write and have hundreds of readers, and still feel alone… Or I can spend my time doing something for someone, and feel fulfilled.
Please remind me next time...
Right now it seems my other projects weigh more than the writing project that I dreamed for myself. I can’t force myself to begin a new writing project when all that’s in my mind at the moment are either baseball, exams and zombies. I will probably end up writing about nothing but — well, baseball, exams and zombies. I HAVE been blogging about zombies. How lame is that?!
I have my family, and I have my writing. My family is my life… and writing is who I am. It’s not like I have to choose one over the other. But sometimes there’s just not enough time to concentrate on both. I wouldn’t want to come up with a product that’s half-baked. I know I have to prioritize something.
So if you don’t see me around in the next couple of weeks, I guess you already know what that means. (It means I am recharging… regrouping… or I’m basically just insanely busy doing something else.)
I am not making excuses. It just is.
The hard part is seeing my daily blog hits dwindling (hurray to the 3 hits I’ve been getting for the past three days!!). But then again, as Don Michaele Corleone once said, “That is the price you pay for the life you choose.”
Oh well. C’est la vie.
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photos via weheartit.com; superhero photo via google image