emptiness and acceptance

sometimes i catch myself staring into space, being here physically but mentally far, far away.  so far away i can’t even place where.

sometimes i ask myself if i am happy with my life. like, if i am to die tomorrow, can i say that i have lived a full, satisfying life that i can go in peace… or am i filled with regrets, what ifs and i-wish-i-dids…

if i am to be honest to myself, i should acknowledge that there are things that i still wish i can change…  things that i wish never happened… feelings that i wish i never felt.  there are memories of decade old events that i am still running away from… pain brought about by other people that i can’t seem to forget… thoughts that fester inside my head… thoughts that i just can’t seem to get rid of.

sometimes i just feel empty. 

i like doing things for other people.  i like helping, reaching out, meeting their needs.  yet sometimes, despite having given a lot of myself to others, i can’t seem to find the satisfaction and the fulfillment.  at the end of the day, i just feel drained… exhausted.  and i can’t help but question, when do i get something in return?  when do i experience being nurtured or pampered just because?  do i always have to work for it myself?

sometimes i run away in my head.  i imagine things being different. i imagine being in total control of everything in a totally different universe.

but then sanity kicks in.  my true self speaks out and reminds me that life isn’t supposed to be perfect.  life is what we make it.  and as i continue having Dr. Phil moments in my head, i come face to face with the realization that maybe i feel empty because i choose to feel empty.  maybe i still get affected by past hurts because i simply don’t want to let go of them.  it is all a matter of choice… and there are days when i choose to be sad instead of happy… i choose to be resentful instead of thankful… i choose to feel empty and be in denial, than accept things as they are. 

sometimes we make the mistake of letting other people define our happiness.  be it their acceptance of us, the way they treat us, the way they love or not love us.  it is so easy to fall into that trap… that seeming dependence on how others perceive us.   this is just so wrong because people will let us down, whether we like it or not.  people are not always nice.  and sometimes, the people we love the most are the ones who hurt us the most, as well.  we just have to accept that that’s just how it is.

yes, we may feel empty at times, but then if we know how to fill that void — whether by doing something or just letting the feeling pass — then, the feeling will pass.   bottom line is,  when we don’t depend on other people to make us happy… when we  don’t let them define who we are… then we have more chances of being really happy.