As promised…

It has been a semi-frustrating blog week…

Semi-frustrating because  1) my internet connection has been acting up since saturday evening (see Limited Connectivity entry), and 2) my chance and definitely unintentional brush with icky porn the other day (see Blogging etiquette post). 

Sometimes the universe just throws things at you that you are not prepared for.  Good that I had topics to write about, but it can be pretty exhausting to be angry — or frustrated. 

Today I am keeping my cool.  For along with the frustrating times come moments, too, that warm our hearts. 

Here is something that is light and easy…

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This morning as I dropped off my son in school, I lingered a little longer and from the back seat of my car I watched as he walked to the school gate, then enter the school premises, and eventually disappeared going up the stairs to his classroom.  Somehow I couldn’t dismiss that tug in my chest as I watched him walk away.                                           

I remember the first time my son entered big school.  He was only 5 then. He wasn’t the clingy “Mom, please don’t leave me!!!” nor the whiny “I don’t want to go to school!!!” type.  Nor was he the one who cries silent tears — tears that will surely melt a mom’s heart and make her want to whisk her child away (like school was a bad place or something!).  No, my son held his own… He made me bring him to his classroom, he let me leave guiltlessly when it was time to leave, yet made me promise to be there at dismissal time.  And I was there as promised.

He is in 5th grade now.   I still drop him off  in the morning… but by now I am just allowed to either stay in the car or bring him to the gate (“Mom, that is so not cool!!”).  Watching him this morning, I can’t help but ask myself until when do I intend to do this?  I mean, at some point I will have to learn to let go, right?

Letting go is not easy.  Sometimes we wish we can forever hold our children in our hands so they are always protected.  But we also know that by letting them go, we let them learn… we let them experience life… and we let them grow.  Because if we hold on too tight, we will stifle their growth.  There are things that they simply have to learn on their own.

But we know that whatever happens, we will be there to catch them should they fall. Perhaps what is important is that they have the knowledge and the security that whatever happens, when they need us, we will be there to pick them up…

Every dismissal.  As promised.   

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photo via weheartit.com

Little hands touching the heart

I was fixing my files earlier when i came across a bunch of papers with doodles and sketches… and then I saw one of the first love notes that my boy gave me when he was still very little.  My heart can’t help but skip a bit. 

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I can’t help but ask, where has time gone?    It seems not too long ago when I was just teaching my son how to write and draw… I used to sing him all the nursery songs i knew and i used to recite the poems i wanted him to learn.  Our nightly rituals included me reading him a book and the two of us singing songs before going to sleep.  I used to hold his little hands a lot and he used to give me lots and lots of big hugs, shower my face with wet kisses. And he used to give me all these notes and doodles and sketches…

Now he’s eleven.  Not a baby anymore, yet not exactly a teenager, too.  He is at the stage where he asks for some space, yet still wants to see me watching over him from afar.  Unlike the times when he would be proud to be seen with mommy, now hugging mommy in public is just so uncool.  Sometimes he answers back like an adult and thinks he can get away with it… then comes back to ask for my help on something. 

When i watch him as he sleeps at night, I can’t help but marvel at how he has grown, right in front of my eyes, without me really realizing it.  To me he is still the baby that I carried and sang lullabies to.  He is still the little boy who gave me cute little love notes… the same one who would extend his little hand so we can walk hand in hand whenever we are out.

Despite me being a full-time, hands on mom, i still don’t think that the time I spend with him is ever enough.  I want to make the most of our moments together because I know that sooner or later, he will have his own life, and he won’t be needing much of me.  At some point, I would really have to let go so he can live his life, grow as his own person.

Time flies so fast.  Children grow up fast.  Sometimes we have to remind ourselves just that.  Our babies are not babies forever…though in our hearts they always will be.   We have to make the most of the time we share together… the time when we can teach them, nurture them, and love them.  

Lest we forget, the joy that our child brings to our lives simply can never be compared with anything else.  The overwhelming love that tugs our hearts is indescribable.  It’s priceless. 

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photo credit: Picture perfect drawing of me from my Superson (from 5-6 years back)

The #2 is MY #1

After the end of every school year, for the past six years, I have been going up the stage in school to accept and hang on my son’s neck a silver medal for academic achievement.  Out of more or less 400 students in his grade level, my son has consistently been Top 2.  The students getting the first and the third spots have changed several times, but The Son stood his ground. As one parent puts it, he has kept his throne.

As a hands on parent, maybe I should share in taking credit for his achievements.  I can always claim that without my help and guidance — and the tons of reviewers that i used to make (okay, honestly, I still make some up to  now) — without me giving encouragement and support, maybe he wouldn’t have been consistent.  Maybe my persistent nagging (how redundant is that!) does the work.  Maybe i can claim that he is doing well in school because i won’t let him do otherwise (translation: confiscate every single toy, book or whatever that normal boys make time for… or ground him for the rest of his student life!).

Honestly? I won’t take credit for my son’s achievements.  He has reached this far because he worked hard for it.  Yeah, maybe I give a little nudge every once in a while… maybe i do nag him, specially when time is of the essence… and yes, i still help review him come exam day.  But once he is in school he’s on his own.  He uses his own brains to understand things. He works hard to  perfect his activities and he relates to the teachers and peers in his own personal way.  It is all him.  I dare not take away his glory.

As a parent, the most i can do is to give the best guidance, support and encouragement as much as I can while he is young.  I just sow the seeds and he does the rest of the work.  He makes his mistakes and learns from them.  He makes decisions and face the consequences.  But sometimes, too, I can only watch and guide from afar.  Sometimes i can only pray that i guided him well enough to make good choices when he’s on his own.

So far, he is doing pretty well. 

This morning, I was the picture of a very proud (and beaming) mom.