Writing, Interrupted

 
I made some changes… and then I disappeared.

It’s the 8th of March.  The last time I blogged was on the last day of February.  Okay, so maybe that was just a week ago, yet I really feel like something’s amiss.  I just can’t make myself sit in front of the computer long enough to compose a decent blog. 

Two weeks ago I told a friend of mine about my dream writing project.  It was an idea that came to me sometime in the beginning of this year.  I toyed around with the idea and even made some research about it.  I was all gung-ho at first… determined to put a start on this project as soon as possible.  I felt I was ready enough.  I believed I write well enough.  I was confident that I could do something BY myself and FOR myself, using the God-given skills and talents that I have. 

And then something happened.  Life happened. 

Perhaps everyone who knows me also knows that for me, family always comes first.  In my everyday existence for the past ten or so years, my life is about my family.  My son.  My partner.  Even down to my parents and my siblings.  I am “hero support” after all.  Taking care of them is what I do.  It is what I do best.

Writing is a passion.  Blogging is something that helps me de-stress.  Whenever I write, I get to express the thoughts that I don’t get to say easily.  Writing helps keep my brain cells from turning into mush or from simply dying.  My greatest fear is to get Alzheimer’s (and at a very young age), so I have to do something to keep my brain cells functioning.  And so I vowed I will write as often as I can.  I will try to get published more often,  I will blog regularly. 

In the beginning of the year, I vowed to hone my writing skills so that when people ask me what I do, I can say that I am a writer without feeling like such a fake.   And I told myself I will take a few more brave steps and start with my writing project…

and like I said earlier,  life happened. 

Superhero Me

My life.  That superhero day job of me taking care of the world… or at least, the people in my world.  Somehow I don’t have the luxury of time to just sit down and compose something.  Even finishing this blog is getting to be quite difficult.  You have no idea how many drafts I started and saved (or eventually discarded).  I think of a topic… and then the phone rings… I try to write some, and then I get cellphone messages… and I totally lose my train of thought.  When I start to write once again, I get to remember the reviewer I have to make for my son’s exams, and then I feel guilty for not prioritizing that first.

And so I go back to doing things for them first before I do things for me

No, I am not complaining.  I chose this kind of life.  I derive joy from the gratitude and appreciation that my family show me for the things — some little, some big — that I do for them.   And maybe this is really the kind of person that I am… I mean, I will always choose helping my son with his project first before I start with my own project.  I will be there for my sister whenever her boys need me, even if that would mean giving up my writing time.   Planning that major baseball event for the boys eats up most of my waking hours, but I wouldn’t think of giving it up.

Maybe it’s because it feels good to be needed.   I can write and write and write and have hundreds of readers, and still feel alone… Or I can spend my time doing something for someone, and feel fulfilled.

Please remind me next time...

Right now it seems my other projects weigh more than the writing project that I dreamed for myself.   I can’t force myself to begin a new writing project when all that’s in my mind at the moment are either baseball, exams and zombies.  I will probably end up writing about nothing but — well, baseball, exams and zombies.   HAVE been blogging about zombies.  How lame is that?!

I have my family, and I have my writing.  My family is my life… and writing is who I am.  It’s not like I have to choose one over the other.  But sometimes there’s just not enough time to concentrate on both.  I wouldn’t want to come up with a product that’s half-baked. I know I have to prioritize something.    

So if you don’t see me around in the next couple of weeks, I guess you already know what that means. (It means I am recharging… regrouping… or I’m basically just insanely busy doing something else.)

I am not making excuses.  It just is.

The hard part is seeing my daily blog hits dwindling (hurray to the 3 hits I’ve been getting for the past three days!!).  But then again, as Don Michaele Corleone once said, “That is the price you pay for the life you choose.”

Oh well.  C’est la vie.

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photos via weheartit.com; superhero photo via google image

Muse on Vacation

Where do you derive the inspiration to write?

Before I get to publish a blog post, this is normally what happens to me…

even Spongebob blogs...

… I sit in front of the computer, go to WordPress (Supergoddess Me), click “New Post.” 

… then I stare at the screen for a good five minutes. 

… I get impatient when I get to minute 3 so I open another tab and check out Facebook.

… about two minutes into Facebook, I find out that there’s nothing new happening in FB world so I go back to WordPress.

… Inhale, exhale.  I will get that inspiration somehow.

… Maybe coffee will help… so I stand up to make myself a good cup of coffee.

… Hmmm… coffee is good with cookies.  Maybe I should get some, too.  Cookies or chips. Yum.

hoping to be inspired...

… Darn, I can’t drink coffee and eat chips while working on the computer.  Seriously, He-Man will have a fit.

… I wonder what’s on tv?… Coffee, chips, TV.  Perfect.

… I never liked the Bachelor (nor the Bachelorette)… I have watched these Glee episodes two times already… There’s no nice movie… I don’t feel Oprah-ish nor Bauerish…  Oh great, there’s TMZ.

… I am getting tired of hearing about Kim K and the rest of the brood.  Don’t they have anything more interesting?  Isn’t Brad splitting up with Angelina yet?!

… Oh geesh, I need to fix the magazines in my bedroom. They are beginning to pile up and are starting to collect dust.  Enough of TMZ.

… I read the magazines and wonder when I will get another article published.

… I rack my brains for a topic to write about.

and THEN I remember that the computer is on… and my screen is still on “Add New Post” (that is, after I shoo away the bubbles of my screensaver)

… and then I start typing… (until someone buzzes me on ym or Facebook beckons)

That, ladies and gentlemen, happens on normal days.

I need my Muse

And yet there are days when I get so inspired and the words just start forming in my head.  It starts with a topic, then words, sentences, paragraphs… it will just flow smoothly until I sort of finish the whole essay. In my head.

Sometimes it happens at night, right before I sleep (the Rejection blog post is an example).  I was on my bed, body so tired after an eventful day… and then I thought of the topic… and then sentences started to form… and since I couldn’t turn on the computer anymore to type away my thoughts, I just wished and prayed that I would still remember them in the morning.   Thankfully, I did.

Another weird time is when I am in the shower (blog post entitled Things Money Cannot Buy).  Again I prayed I won’t forget the words the moment I come out of the bathroom…  I think my muse likes spontaneity. 

Sometimes we just try so hard… and the more we do, the more difficult writing becomes. 

Like today.   I really don’t have anything to blog about.  Therefore I won’t try so hard. 

So, see you all when my muse gets back!

days like today...

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Muse : in Greek Mythology any of the nine daughters of Mnemosyne and Zeus, each of whom presided over a different art or science;   A guiding spirit, source of inspiration. (Free Online dictionary)

photos via weheartit.com and google images

springtime come alive

i love flowers. 

i love the beauty… the freshness… the warm, fuzzy feeling that I get when i see such lovely flowers.

flowers never fail to inspire me… give me hope… cheer me up.

Daily picdump (140 pics) » Izismile.com - In fun we trust! Pictures, picdumps, videos, games, celebs, viral content

when you see such splendour, how can you not feel alive?

how can you not love life?

 

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photo credit: weheartit.com

Blogging Blues

It can get frustrating sometimes. 

I blog about my thoughts, my experiences, my feelings about matters, how i view the world… Sometimes i go on and on and i feel good about myself after finishing a piece.  I feel good about having to express myself.  I think about the readers whose lives I will touch or whose feelings I will move with my insights.  I think about the ones I will entertain with my sometimes shallow humor.  I think about the people who will smile after reading about an escapade.  And I feel happy… satisfied… proud, even.

Then after half a day has passed, I will check my stats… only to find out that there’s just one reader –who probably just happened to find my site by chance and decided to stay on it and read…

I will try to check again come night time… and then I will see that the lone reader is still very much alone.

The following day before I post another blog, I will check my stats once more to see if there was any movement while I was sleeping… hoping that I have loyal followers from another time zone.  Sometimes i get two or three more. On good days, I will probably have 5.

Yes, it can get frustrating somewhat.

Sometimes I wonder if I am really a good writer… because if I were interesting enough, then maybe I will have more followers.  Right now I think the only people who constantly follow my blogs are my cousin/person, my close friend (when not busy and when reminded)… and oh yeah, Me. 

So, so sad.

But then when I think about it, I remember the reason why I started all these…

I started blogging for self-expression.  I started blogging because I loved writing and I express myself better with written words.  Make me speak in front of people and I will probably spend thirty minutes vomiting before every speech.  If you want to know my thoughts, make me sit down and write.  It’s much easier for me that way. Besides, there’s always delete.  I can edit out the words that don’t fit.

I blog because I get to think about things whenever I write about them.  I get to ask myself questions, and most of the time I find the answers, as well.  Of course I would love to be able to share my ideas and thoughts and misadventures with someone.  I would love to inspire people.  Putting a smile on a reader’s face is a nice outcome.  But then given that I don’t have much followers yet, well, I blog more for myself. 

Sometimes my topic don’t make much sense.  Well, a lot of the things in this world don’t make much sense.  But they make life more interesting in a way. 

I blog because writing is a passion.  I am a writer… and writers write. 

I do believe that if I keep blogging, they — my readers– will come.  And so I keep the faith.

Le Penne

 

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photo credit: weheartit.com