Mr. Ken Doll

Ken needs a Supergoddess Barbie

Ken needs a Supergoddess Barbie

He was a male model… He did tv commercials, but he mostly did ramp.  He was goodlooking — in a boyish way.  He was tall, he had this really dazzling smile… and a really hot bod.  He was like a Ken doll.

He was a good friend of a boyfriend.  Boyfriend used to do some modelling as well, so naturally he hang out with fellow models.  That was how I met Mr. Ken doll.

When boyfriend left the country, I stayed in touch with some of his friends.   When boyfriend eventually became an ex, Mr. Ken doll expressed interest in dating me… but didn’t really know if it was the right thing to do since I was the girlfriend of a good friend.  It didn’t seem right.  It was like crossing a boundary.

We did go out several times.  We talked a lot.  We laughed.  We flirted.  We watched basketball games together.  We talked about our favorites — his was carrot cake, mine was coffee.  We had a good time.

I liked being seen with him because he was a Ken doll… and I felt like I was Barbie.  I was living very girl’s dream.  I was every girl’s source of envy.

Going out with Ken made me forget about the heartbreak caused by long-distance boyfriend.  I thought being with another goodlooking guy will fill the void left by an ex.  In a way, it did.  It did make me forget… but only for a short while.

Somehow the thrill of being with Ken was fleeting.

One night, I just suddenly realized that Ken and I didn’t have anything in common.  I tried to dig deep to feel something towards him… some love or deep affection… yet I didn’t find any.  There was fondness, yes, but that was just it.  Nothing more.

Perhaps the only connection we truly had was the memory of my ex-boyfriend… his ex-friend.

We parted ways amicably.  No tears, no drama.  I never wondered what “could have been” because I knew Ken and I weren’t meant to be.

What I learned from the whole Ken experience is this:  You really cannot force yourself to love — or even just like, LIKE — someone if your heart isn’t there.  You cannot force yourself to feel a certain way towards someone.  Or even if you do try, in your heart of hearts, you would know that you’re not fooling anybody else but yourself.

Kissing Ken may have been fun, but it didn’t make me his Barbie.  He didn’t turn out to be my Prince Charming, too.  Good thing we were both mature enough not to pretend we were something we weren’t.

Some things are really just not meant to be.

It’s Ken’s birthday today.  And his real name’s Ron.

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photo via google images

 

 

Dreaming of Rome

Love. Rome. Josh.

Love. Rome. Josh.

I had the chance to sit in front of the tv this morning — and actually watch a movie.   I ended up watching “When in Rome”  a movie that starred Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel.

Sometimes I feel like I’m too old to watch chick flicks.  I mean being a mom, as well as being someone’s partner, somehow make me feel embarrassed to gush over fairy tale movies and Prince Charmings (…but come on, how can one NOT gush over Josh Duhamel?).  It just didn’t seem right.  It seemed pretty juvenile.

But there I was at nine o’clock in the morning watching a funny love story that made me wish that I can go to Rome anytime soon… and that all love stories are magical and stay magical… and that I can have a magical love story with Josh Duhamel. 

An hour and a half later, realization struck… I am not going to Rome anytime soon… love stories may start magical yet they don’t always stay that way… and bummer of all bummers, Josh already has Fergie.   My reality is simply just not as exciting.  No wonder I don’t like watching chick flicks!

I had to check myself before I got totally depressed about the whole thing.  This normally happens whenever I watch feel good movies… I end up not feeling good about where I am.

And then the wise and sensible ME took over.  Sure, I may not be going to Rome anytime soon… but that doesn’t mean I can’t go to Rome in this lifetime.  I have always wanted to see Italy… I wanted to see not just Rome, but Venice and Tuscany, as well.  I will include that trip in my bucket list.  No need to feel bad about something that I can do something about (even if it means having some major saving up to do to be able to go on that trip!)

Okay, so maybe not all love stories have fairy tale endings.  Maybe I have lost that magical feeling  somewhere between balancing checkbooks and washing the dishes.  Maybe the day to day, mundane activities have squeezed all the magic out of me.  Yet that doesn’t mean I cannot anymore be the sweet, loving person that I was  when I was much, much younger.  I may have gotten older,  but I’m not ancient… I still am capable of expressing my emotions.  Though at times I may seem to be functioning on auto-pilot, I can still easily snap out of it if I do want to.

The thing is, real life is NOT always magical.  We have to work for it if we want to sustain that magic.  And I truly believe that when you work for something, all the more you will not let that thing dissipate just like that.  You take more care of what you have invested time, effort and love in, than things — or people– you never shared anything of yourself with.

Fairy tale endings?  Well, as long as we are on this earth, we can direct our paths to that fairy tale ending that we all long for.  Hope springs eternal.

A few hours of movie watching do take us away from our realities, even for sometime.  It can be nice… can even give you a fresh perspective on things.  But at the end of the day, real life is still more interesting… more exciting…

Because in your reality, you are the lead… always.  And you can choose your happy ending… always.

PS… Okay, so maybe I won’t have a fairy tale ending or a magical anything with Josh Duhamel in this lifetime. But in the movie version of MY life, he will definitely play a part.   

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photo via google images, When in Rome (2010)

Butterflies in my stomach… A Love Story

mr. ballplayer

my mr. ballplayer

He was a college basketball superstar.  Such a dreamboat.  He didn’t know me then, but I used to watch his games and pine for him.  Although we were batchmates, we were never introduced.  My young self was “loving” him from afar. 

Being Mr. Popular, I knew he wouldn’t really notice me.  Not when a lot of other girls are fawning over him.  I was but one of his fans.

We  were (finally) introduced several months after we graduated.  I was already working then and I guess the ‘corporate’  look made him notice me more.  I was no longer an immature ‘nameless fan.’     I became someone interesting enough to date.

He was a sweet guy.  His college basketball superstar status made people believe that he was unreachable, difficult to talk to… yet he really wasn’t.  He was pretty down to earth.  But given his appeal, I knew that a lot of other girls are dying to date him — much like I was back in college.  And so I also knew that whatever we had wouldn’t last.

I was so young then.  I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship.  I knew that if my heart was to be broken, it might as well be by someone I insanely liked. 

At that moment in time I knew he liked me back.

Little things made me feel special… Like that time when he came over to my place unannounced at ten pm, after a basketball game (he was already playing in an amateur league).  When I asked why, the only reason he could think of was that — he wanted to see me, and that he just kept driving ’til he got to my house… And then there was a time when we were waiting for a movie to begin, and he started singing “It Might be You” to my ear…  After dropping me off after a date, he would call me the moment he gets home and we would still talk on the phone until the wee hours of the morning… Sometimes we talked a lot about different things, at times we just stared at each other.

Seeing him always gave me the butterflies in the stomach sensation. 

On our last date, I distinctly remember his parting words.  As I was going down the car, he reached for my hand and said,  “I will call you.”

Several days passed, and I didn’t hear from him.  Days turned to weeks, weeks to months… still no word, no nothing.  No explanation.  He just disappeared.  I knew it was over. 

I was heartbroken, yes, but I pretty much expected that to happen so it didn’t hurt that long.

Several months later, I went to one of his ball games and he saw me.  We got to talk somewhat and we planned on seeing each other again the following day.  Maybe to iron things out, maybe to just plain hang out.   

I was staying at a friend’s house that night, and he said he will pick me up in the morning before he goes to training.  He said he was looking forward to spending the morning with me.

Something happened the following morning.  I had to leave really early, and since cellphones were still unheard of at that time,  contacting him proved to be so difficult.  Plus, I didn’t know that the previous night, when he asked for my friend’s home number, I managed to give him a wrong one.

We were finally able to talk again that afternoon when he got home from training.  He told me that he was looking for me the whole morning until he realized that I just led him on.  He said I did it on purpose to get back at him.

I can still remember the hurt and disappointment in his voice.  Mr. Player got played.  By me.

***

I never saw nor heard from him since.  Funny because I woke up this morning remembering that it’s his birthday today.

Although at that time, part of me was glad that it ended that way (he broke my heart, after all),  it’s not something that I am particularly proud of.  And sometimes there are people whom you would rather remember for the good moments that you shared together.  Memories that you know you will always preserve somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind.

Now, 18 years later, I do not dwell on the sour ending that we had.  Obviously we were not meant to end up together. 

But I do remember the butterflies.  And it’s enough to make me smile. 

 

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photos via weheartit.com 

As promised…

It has been a semi-frustrating blog week…

Semi-frustrating because  1) my internet connection has been acting up since saturday evening (see Limited Connectivity entry), and 2) my chance and definitely unintentional brush with icky porn the other day (see Blogging etiquette post). 

Sometimes the universe just throws things at you that you are not prepared for.  Good that I had topics to write about, but it can be pretty exhausting to be angry — or frustrated. 

Today I am keeping my cool.  For along with the frustrating times come moments, too, that warm our hearts. 

Here is something that is light and easy…

Tumblr

This morning as I dropped off my son in school, I lingered a little longer and from the back seat of my car I watched as he walked to the school gate, then enter the school premises, and eventually disappeared going up the stairs to his classroom.  Somehow I couldn’t dismiss that tug in my chest as I watched him walk away.                                           

I remember the first time my son entered big school.  He was only 5 then. He wasn’t the clingy “Mom, please don’t leave me!!!” nor the whiny “I don’t want to go to school!!!” type.  Nor was he the one who cries silent tears — tears that will surely melt a mom’s heart and make her want to whisk her child away (like school was a bad place or something!).  No, my son held his own… He made me bring him to his classroom, he let me leave guiltlessly when it was time to leave, yet made me promise to be there at dismissal time.  And I was there as promised.

He is in 5th grade now.   I still drop him off  in the morning… but by now I am just allowed to either stay in the car or bring him to the gate (“Mom, that is so not cool!!”).  Watching him this morning, I can’t help but ask myself until when do I intend to do this?  I mean, at some point I will have to learn to let go, right?

Letting go is not easy.  Sometimes we wish we can forever hold our children in our hands so they are always protected.  But we also know that by letting them go, we let them learn… we let them experience life… and we let them grow.  Because if we hold on too tight, we will stifle their growth.  There are things that they simply have to learn on their own.

But we know that whatever happens, we will be there to catch them should they fall. Perhaps what is important is that they have the knowledge and the security that whatever happens, when they need us, we will be there to pick them up…

Every dismissal.  As promised.   

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photo via weheartit.com

Of broken hearts…

I got to talk to an old friend of mine earlier.  It wasn’t one of those light, funny conversations that we normally have. This time there were more deep sighs and moments of silence… mainly because she is nursing a heartache — and I basically just listened for the most part (that is, during the times when she was venting).  I just listened and processed the whole situation in my mind.

She said she was sort of seeing this guy for several months now.  She said she didn’t really think she would fall for the guy at first because, well, she just never expected that to happen.  But the guy was pretty persistent, was really very sweet… held her high on a pedestal.  He made her feel really good about herself, like she was some goddess (okay, this was the part where i giggled a bit, but then not wanting to be insensitive, i pretty much kept the giggling to myself). 

So basically, she says, the guy became a part of her everyday life.  Whatever reservations she had in the beginning were set aside.  She let herself start to feel something.  And it was a good feeling, she told me… When you’re not fighting whatever it is you are feeling.  She was basically in 7th heaven for a time.

Then several days ago, things changed.  All of a sudden, the guy who was running after her for the longest time seemed to have decided (on his own) that he doesn’t want to be sweet anymore.  He became distant…  It’s like the roles were reversed.  She became the paranoid one, always thinking something’s wrong, wondering why he’s not as “present” as he used to be.  While he boldly tells her she has so many issues, too much drama…  She said she really doesn’t know what went wrong, but she felt it was the beginning of their ending.

And then she ended the story there.  Basically kept quiet for a while.  I was at a loss for words, didn’t know what to say right away.  But I felt her pain.  I was expecting her to start bawling, but she didn’t.  She said it was too tiring to cry.  She just kept sighing deeply.  Eventually, I was doing the same.   

Some things really don’t change.  Whether you are 16 or 36, these things happen.  You fall for the wrong guy… wrong guy hurts you. Or you fall for the right guy, yet right guy also hurts you.  Sometimes they do the best cop out– that is, the Harry Houdini act.  They will basically just disappear without telling you what the heck happened.  Sometimes they are scared to get too attached.  Sometimes it is just about the novelty… or the conquest. 

Sometimes we meet someone who makes us happy, but the circumstances just don’t agree with the relationship… so we have to let go.  Sometimes we meet someone who we think can make us happy, but eventually we find out we cannot force things to happen.  Sometimes, things just happen. 

Yes, our hearts can break — whether we are 16 or 36. 

But the difference is, at 36 we know better.  At 36, we know that life goes on even after a heartbreak.  At 36, we know that crying doesn’t really make one glow, but merely just puffs up our eyes.  We know that guys can still hurt our feelings (the same way we can hurt theirs)… Our hearts still break.. but that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world.  We wake up the following day to the same sun, sky, earth… Sometimes we may feel like we are running out of air, but when we breathe deeply, there’s still oxygen going in.

At 36, we know better.  We know when to hold on and when to let go.  It may be difficult at first, but sometimes we really just have to will ourselves to move on… and we will.

                                                                                forwe♥it (weheartit.com)