#throwback

 

bittersweet

bittersweet

January 8, 2015

I was going over my blogs from around 4 1/2 years ago– back when I was just starting to blog regularly, and yes, I hardly had any readers — and I chanced upon an entry entitled Flashbacks.

It was about a love story that did not find its happy ending.

The story happened some 20 years ago. I wrote this blog in 2010. Apologies for reposting, but do indulge me. Let’s just call this the #throwbackthursday entry.

*****

Flashbacks

Sometimes i can’t help but marvel at how modern technology just made everything easier– and the world much smaller — for us.

About 16 years ago, I had a relationship with this guy who lives at the other side of the world.  He came here for a vacation… and found me, instead.  The irony is, we met a month before he was supposed to go back to his homeland and we started dating a week before his departure.  So obviously, ours ended up being a long distance relationship. We were so in love then and we promised that we would make it work, distance or no distance.

It was 1994 and we still had to depend on snail mail.  Snail mail and Fedex.  Every two weeks, we would expect a letter or a package waiting at our respective doorsteps.  We spent a fortune at long distance calls, too.  We would talk on the phone every weekend for about an hour (sometimes, two).  This went on for six months (which at that time seemed like an eternity).  Then he flew back here for Christmas, stayed here for a couple of months, then went back home with the promise that we will make the long distance relationship last…

… and then he was gone.  Gone forever.

No, he did not die or anything.  We just proved that long distance relationships, well, never really go the distance (pardon the pun, please).  We pretty much showed everybody that no matter how “in love” two people are, the distance between them can really take its toll.  I think it took all of three months after he left the second time when we came to the realization that it was difficult.  Actually, he came to that realization first (and was too immature not to tell me)… ergo, the relationship basically ended badly — with me cursing him to high heavens, that is.  So basically, he could have just died and i wouldn’t have minded at that time (that was me being mature about the break up).

But i digress.  Point is, fast forward 16 years later, present day 2010… Because of the world wide web, because of YM, emails, facebook, webcams, text messages and cellphone calls that don’t cost a fortune,  we are now in touch with people who are at the other side of the world.  My best friend/person lives at the other side of the world, too, and I chat with her almost every day.  My friends and relatives who are in countries of different time zones are always updated about the news and happenings here.  In real time.  It’s a small world, after all.

Sometimes I do wonder whether my relationship with the guy would have lasted if we had all these communication tools then.  Maybe we wouldn’t have felt the distance right away.  Perhaps it wouldn’t have felt like we were having an affair with a piece of paper.  Though it would probably be like having a virtual relationship (or having a relationship with the computer), well at least the other party answers back fast… no need to wait for two weeks.

But then long distance is still long distance.  It’s still upto the people involved whether they will let the distance get in the way… or work on the relationship until they are together once more.

In case you are wondering what happened to long distance-guy… Well, we found each other in facebook a couple of years ago.  Yeah, who would have thought.  But then 16years is a long time, and people change.  I guess you pretty much have an idea how it went…

It went nowhere. 

******

It’s Mr. 1994’s birthday tomorrow, January 9. Yes, I still remember 🙂

*****

Photo via yahoo images

Mr. Ken Doll

Ken needs a Supergoddess Barbie

Ken needs a Supergoddess Barbie

He was a male model… He did tv commercials, but he mostly did ramp.  He was goodlooking — in a boyish way.  He was tall, he had this really dazzling smile… and a really hot bod.  He was like a Ken doll.

He was a good friend of a boyfriend.  Boyfriend used to do some modelling as well, so naturally he hang out with fellow models.  That was how I met Mr. Ken doll.

When boyfriend left the country, I stayed in touch with some of his friends.   When boyfriend eventually became an ex, Mr. Ken doll expressed interest in dating me… but didn’t really know if it was the right thing to do since I was the girlfriend of a good friend.  It didn’t seem right.  It was like crossing a boundary.

We did go out several times.  We talked a lot.  We laughed.  We flirted.  We watched basketball games together.  We talked about our favorites — his was carrot cake, mine was coffee.  We had a good time.

I liked being seen with him because he was a Ken doll… and I felt like I was Barbie.  I was living very girl’s dream.  I was every girl’s source of envy.

Going out with Ken made me forget about the heartbreak caused by long-distance boyfriend.  I thought being with another goodlooking guy will fill the void left by an ex.  In a way, it did.  It did make me forget… but only for a short while.

Somehow the thrill of being with Ken was fleeting.

One night, I just suddenly realized that Ken and I didn’t have anything in common.  I tried to dig deep to feel something towards him… some love or deep affection… yet I didn’t find any.  There was fondness, yes, but that was just it.  Nothing more.

Perhaps the only connection we truly had was the memory of my ex-boyfriend… his ex-friend.

We parted ways amicably.  No tears, no drama.  I never wondered what “could have been” because I knew Ken and I weren’t meant to be.

What I learned from the whole Ken experience is this:  You really cannot force yourself to love — or even just like, LIKE — someone if your heart isn’t there.  You cannot force yourself to feel a certain way towards someone.  Or even if you do try, in your heart of hearts, you would know that you’re not fooling anybody else but yourself.

Kissing Ken may have been fun, but it didn’t make me his Barbie.  He didn’t turn out to be my Prince Charming, too.  Good thing we were both mature enough not to pretend we were something we weren’t.

Some things are really just not meant to be.

It’s Ken’s birthday today.  And his real name’s Ron.

*** *** *** *** ***

photo via google images

 

 

Dreaming of Rome

Love. Rome. Josh.

Love. Rome. Josh.

I had the chance to sit in front of the tv this morning — and actually watch a movie.   I ended up watching “When in Rome”  a movie that starred Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel.

Sometimes I feel like I’m too old to watch chick flicks.  I mean being a mom, as well as being someone’s partner, somehow make me feel embarrassed to gush over fairy tale movies and Prince Charmings (…but come on, how can one NOT gush over Josh Duhamel?).  It just didn’t seem right.  It seemed pretty juvenile.

But there I was at nine o’clock in the morning watching a funny love story that made me wish that I can go to Rome anytime soon… and that all love stories are magical and stay magical… and that I can have a magical love story with Josh Duhamel. 

An hour and a half later, realization struck… I am not going to Rome anytime soon… love stories may start magical yet they don’t always stay that way… and bummer of all bummers, Josh already has Fergie.   My reality is simply just not as exciting.  No wonder I don’t like watching chick flicks!

I had to check myself before I got totally depressed about the whole thing.  This normally happens whenever I watch feel good movies… I end up not feeling good about where I am.

And then the wise and sensible ME took over.  Sure, I may not be going to Rome anytime soon… but that doesn’t mean I can’t go to Rome in this lifetime.  I have always wanted to see Italy… I wanted to see not just Rome, but Venice and Tuscany, as well.  I will include that trip in my bucket list.  No need to feel bad about something that I can do something about (even if it means having some major saving up to do to be able to go on that trip!)

Okay, so maybe not all love stories have fairy tale endings.  Maybe I have lost that magical feeling  somewhere between balancing checkbooks and washing the dishes.  Maybe the day to day, mundane activities have squeezed all the magic out of me.  Yet that doesn’t mean I cannot anymore be the sweet, loving person that I was  when I was much, much younger.  I may have gotten older,  but I’m not ancient… I still am capable of expressing my emotions.  Though at times I may seem to be functioning on auto-pilot, I can still easily snap out of it if I do want to.

The thing is, real life is NOT always magical.  We have to work for it if we want to sustain that magic.  And I truly believe that when you work for something, all the more you will not let that thing dissipate just like that.  You take more care of what you have invested time, effort and love in, than things — or people– you never shared anything of yourself with.

Fairy tale endings?  Well, as long as we are on this earth, we can direct our paths to that fairy tale ending that we all long for.  Hope springs eternal.

A few hours of movie watching do take us away from our realities, even for sometime.  It can be nice… can even give you a fresh perspective on things.  But at the end of the day, real life is still more interesting… more exciting…

Because in your reality, you are the lead… always.  And you can choose your happy ending… always.

PS… Okay, so maybe I won’t have a fairy tale ending or a magical anything with Josh Duhamel in this lifetime. But in the movie version of MY life, he will definitely play a part.   

*** *** *** *** ***

photo via google images, When in Rome (2010)

Butterflies in my stomach… A Love Story

mr. ballplayer

my mr. ballplayer

He was a college basketball superstar.  Such a dreamboat.  He didn’t know me then, but I used to watch his games and pine for him.  Although we were batchmates, we were never introduced.  My young self was “loving” him from afar. 

Being Mr. Popular, I knew he wouldn’t really notice me.  Not when a lot of other girls are fawning over him.  I was but one of his fans.

We  were (finally) introduced several months after we graduated.  I was already working then and I guess the ‘corporate’  look made him notice me more.  I was no longer an immature ‘nameless fan.’     I became someone interesting enough to date.

He was a sweet guy.  His college basketball superstar status made people believe that he was unreachable, difficult to talk to… yet he really wasn’t.  He was pretty down to earth.  But given his appeal, I knew that a lot of other girls are dying to date him — much like I was back in college.  And so I also knew that whatever we had wouldn’t last.

I was so young then.  I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship.  I knew that if my heart was to be broken, it might as well be by someone I insanely liked. 

At that moment in time I knew he liked me back.

Little things made me feel special… Like that time when he came over to my place unannounced at ten pm, after a basketball game (he was already playing in an amateur league).  When I asked why, the only reason he could think of was that — he wanted to see me, and that he just kept driving ’til he got to my house… And then there was a time when we were waiting for a movie to begin, and he started singing “It Might be You” to my ear…  After dropping me off after a date, he would call me the moment he gets home and we would still talk on the phone until the wee hours of the morning… Sometimes we talked a lot about different things, at times we just stared at each other.

Seeing him always gave me the butterflies in the stomach sensation. 

On our last date, I distinctly remember his parting words.  As I was going down the car, he reached for my hand and said,  “I will call you.”

Several days passed, and I didn’t hear from him.  Days turned to weeks, weeks to months… still no word, no nothing.  No explanation.  He just disappeared.  I knew it was over. 

I was heartbroken, yes, but I pretty much expected that to happen so it didn’t hurt that long.

Several months later, I went to one of his ball games and he saw me.  We got to talk somewhat and we planned on seeing each other again the following day.  Maybe to iron things out, maybe to just plain hang out.   

I was staying at a friend’s house that night, and he said he will pick me up in the morning before he goes to training.  He said he was looking forward to spending the morning with me.

Something happened the following morning.  I had to leave really early, and since cellphones were still unheard of at that time,  contacting him proved to be so difficult.  Plus, I didn’t know that the previous night, when he asked for my friend’s home number, I managed to give him a wrong one.

We were finally able to talk again that afternoon when he got home from training.  He told me that he was looking for me the whole morning until he realized that I just led him on.  He said I did it on purpose to get back at him.

I can still remember the hurt and disappointment in his voice.  Mr. Player got played.  By me.

***

I never saw nor heard from him since.  Funny because I woke up this morning remembering that it’s his birthday today.

Although at that time, part of me was glad that it ended that way (he broke my heart, after all),  it’s not something that I am particularly proud of.  And sometimes there are people whom you would rather remember for the good moments that you shared together.  Memories that you know you will always preserve somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind.

Now, 18 years later, I do not dwell on the sour ending that we had.  Obviously we were not meant to end up together. 

But I do remember the butterflies.  And it’s enough to make me smile. 

 

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photos via weheartit.com 

A List of Nevers…

Sticky posts

Never…

allow other people to define who you are.  You are a wonderful creation, full of endless possibilities.  Don’t let others limit you.

let the past rule your present and take over your future.  The past is over and done with.  Learning from it — the good or the bad — makes you a better, stronger person.  But today is a different day. Live it.  Tomorrow holds so much promise. Be expectant.

try it.

underestimate kindness.  A kind and gentle heart affects many.  People remember a kind deed.

think it’s okay cheat when no one’s looking.  Cheating is cheating, whether you have an audience or not.   

forget to say thank you.

wallow in self pity.  You are too good for that.  Be sad a bit, but learn to move on.  Wallowing won’t get you anywhere. 

take your friends for granted.  Life gets so much brighter with good friends around.

be carefree

let go of the child in you. Joyful. Carefree.  Fearless. 

let other people steal your dreams. People will always have a lot to say.  People won’t always believe in you the way you believe in yourself.  When they try to pull you down, keep the faith.  Let their opinions inspire you to do better and give you the added nudge to prove them wrong.  Remember, great success is the best revenge. 

forget how it feels to hold someone’s hand, smile a genuine smile, offer a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, receive a compliment, give a compliment… and spending some quiet time by yourself just taking in the beauty of everything around you. 

Life is Good

 

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photos via weheartit.com

Two Loves in a Day

I was in LA for two weeks.

Of course I had to share a moment with my two great loves…

Love #1.

we were this close!

Love #2.

i just had to stop and take a photo

Two loves.  One Saturday.

Don’t you just love Los Angeles?

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photo courtesy: SGM’s wonderful GE digital camera

Los Angeles, California.  March 26, 2011.

Let’s Get Mushy!

all you need is love...

Several days from today, the world will be celebrating Valentine’s day. 

Okay, so maybe not everybody celebrates it.  There are the Valentine’s Scrooges (guilty!) who think that said day was just made popular for commercial purposes — that is, to sell more chocolates, flowers, greeting cards and stuffed toys, as well as restaurants, concerts, motels and hotels.  There are those who don’t celebrate simply because they have no one to spend the day with.  And then there are those who are in far-flung places who have more important things to do than put a day on hold to go all gooey and mushy towards their mates… 

But for the lovers, the romantics, the daydreamers, and even the neurotics, February 14 is one special day. 

I know I will be insanely busy next week so I am posting my Valentine’s blog days in advance.

This is for all my cyber-cum-blog-friends… My thoughts are with you on Valentine’s day!

~ * ~

I love Love Songs

My All-Time Favorite Love Songs… and the reasons why:

1)  It Might Be You by Stephen Bishop.  “I’ve been saving love songs and lullabies. And there’s so much more, no one’s ever had before. Something’s telling me it might be you… Yeah it’s telling me it must be you… And I’m feeling it will just be you, all of my life.”

2) Sometime When We Touch by Dan Hill.  “I wanna hold you ’til I die…’Til we both break down and cry… I wanna hold you ’til the fear in me subsides…”

3)  Got to Believe in Magic by David Pomeranz.  “Got to believe in magic… tell me how two people find each other, in a world that’s full of strangers…”

4)  Maybe This Time by Michael Murphy.  “Maybe this time, it’ll be lovin’ they’ll find… Maybe now they can be more than just friends.  She’s back in his life and it feels so right… maybe this time, love won’t end…”

5)  All I Need by Jack Wagner.  “No stars are out tonight but we’re shining our own light, and it’s never felt so right…”

6)  Simply Jesse by Rex Smith.  “And I don’t know what you see, what you see in me… Girl it’s nothing to what I see in you…”

7)  Upside Down by Two Minds Crack. “You’re turning me on, you turn me around, you turn my whole world upside down…”

8)  Swept Away by Christopher Cross.  “I’m swept away. No one in the world but you and I, gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do… I was swept away, without a warning like night when the morning begins the day… I was swept away.”

9)  My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion.  “Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime and never let go till we’re gone…”

10)  Arms of Orion by Prince and Sheena E.  “Orion’s arms are wide enough to hold us both together, although we’re worlds apart, I’ll cross the stars for you…”

11) Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You by George Benson.  “Nothing’s gonna change my love for you, you ought to know by now how much I love you… The world may change my whole life through but nothing’s gonna change my love for you…”

12) Moon River by Andy Williams.  “Two drifters off to see the world, there’s such a lot of world to see…”

12)  The Way You Look Tonight*  “Some day when I’m awfully low, when the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you… and the way you look tonight…”

13)  All the Way by Frank Sinatra.  “Who knows where the road will lead us, only a fool would say. But if you let me love you, it’s for sure I’m gonna love you all the way… all the way…”

~ * ~

I love LOVE 🙂

So there. Pure, absolute mush.  *Sigh*  *Swoon*  *Googly eyes*

Hope you enjoyed the sing-along. *happy sigh*

Happy Valentine’s everyone! 

*** *** *** *** *** ***

*did you know that the song The Way You Look Tonight was originally sung by Fred Astaire to Ginger Rogers in the film Swing Time?  It even won Academy Award for Best Original Song in 1936.  Bet you didn’t know that bit of trivia.  I didn’t, too. I always thought it was a Frank Sinatra original.  Thank you Wikipedia!! 🙂

photos via weheartit.com

True Calling

you have a gift

Each person has his or her own gift.  Each of us has our own calling.  It’s not always, though that we find out right away what that calling is…

I used to ask myself what my calling is.  Whereas some people knew right away what they wanted to be or what they see themselves doing, I, for the longest time, was quite clueless.  I knew I was smart enough and I could be hardworking enough so I could pretty much do whatever task or job I would set my mind on. 

But then again, there are things that one does out of need… ie, because one needs a job and it’s the only job available… or because one feels the need to prove something to other people that they do things that others expect them to do.

And then there are the things we do out of passion.  Things we do because our hearts call out for it.  Things that make us feel more alive.   Things that give us the feeling of importance… a sense of purpose. 

Like I said, there are fortunate ones who know their gifts and get to use them in day jobs.  To those who can’t quite figure out what they are called to do… or those who are still uneasy about showcasing their God-given talents, well, it can be a struggle. 

~*~

Certified M.O.M.

I like love being a mom.  I love being a hands-on mom.  Despite everything I heard — the disbelief, the negative remarks, the dismay — when people found out that I chose being a full-time mom over being a career woman, I was never sorry about my choice.  If there is one thing that I know I am firm about, it’s the decision that my son will always, ALWAYS come first. 

Some people think it’s easy.  People from the outside think that being  “just” a mom is synonymous to not doing anything (wait ’til they see my daily ‘to-do list’). Well, it’s not that simple. Motherhood is not easy.  Raising an individual and making sure that said individual will grow up to be a decent, loving, God-fearing human being is a challenge.  Parenting does not come with a manual.  Mothers make mistakes, too.  We try to be good role models to our kids, but we do trip and fall sometimes.  And we have to rectify our mistakes, and at times, swallow our pride, so we can teach our kids what is right. 

Motherhood is not just about giving birth.  It is about molding, shaping, loving the child that you brought into this world.    It is about giving one’s time, attention, one’s heart… one’s self to the child.   

There is nothing easy about that.

~ * ~

One thing I like about being a full time mom is that I am given the chance to extend myself to other children, as well.  Sometimes it’s not just my son that I take care of.  There’s my nephew — who practically grew up with me, and even my son’s friends when needed. 

My friend and her husband had to go out of town for four days last week.  And so for four nights and four days, they left their two boys, Super Slugger and Whiz Kid (aged 10 and 12) with us.  They are my son’s baseball teammates and really good friends so you can imagine how happy the boys were when they found out they will be together for four whole days.    

It wasn’t just a regular “go to school” schedule for the three boys, believe me.  The boys had full schedules going into the weekend.  Full meaning baseball tournament for Super Slugger, Math contest for Superson, Computer contest for Whiz Kid.  Our mornings began at 5:30 am and our nights ended well, pretty late (tell me, how do you make three boys sleep early?!).  My days consisted of shuttling them to and from school, or waiting for them to finish their practices, or watching Super Slugger’s games.  I had to make sure they were well fed, hydrated, with homeworks done… I had to make sure they woke up early, their uniforms were complete, they had enough socks and underwear…  

I had to make sure they were happy and not in anyway homesick.  I was particularly more mindful of Super Slugger because he had a three-day tournament and I didn’t want him to feel alone so I watched every game that I possibly could. 

It was a busy and tiring weekend. But my heart was quite full.  I was happy because I was doing what I do best.  I was being a mom… and I was extending it to other children.  I was in my element.   

You know what made the whole thing more special?  It’s the realization that my friends trust me enough to leave their children under my care.  Knowing that they can entrust their kids to either their relatives or other friends, but still they chose me to take care of their children, doesn’t that say something?  Isn’t that a high form of compliment that not everyone gets freely?

~ * ~

We are all called to do something.  Sometimes we have to dig deep to find out what we are called to do, what our purpose is.  Oftentimes we make the mistake of comparing ourselves to others… we think that they are more special, or their gifts are more important, more valuable.

What do you do best?  What does your heart tell you to do?  What skills and talents do you have?  Find your purpose.  Find your passion.  Find your calling.  Stop comparing yourself to others (like what I’ve done half of my life) because you are who you are.  Just be the best you that you can possibly be.

I am a mother… and I strive to be the best mother that I can be. 

In the end, that’s all that matters.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

photos via weheartit.com